


some things are better left unsaid

by spaceandvinyls



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: But mostly fluff, M/M, angsty fluff, depression tw, not graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 03:23:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18864727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceandvinyls/pseuds/spaceandvinyls
Summary: dan falls into negative headspace and tries to push through it without getting phil involved. it isn't until he visits louise that she realizes how much help he really needs.





	some things are better left unsaid

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MaeTaurus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaeTaurus/gifts).



> this was written for the lovely phanfictionevents' spring fic exchange! the prompt i received was "Dan is suffering from depression again and he knows he should reach out to Phil for help but he's too scared and too proud to admit that he's fallen down into a dark hole again so he tries to handle it on his own." this was amazing fun to write. thanks to irina for being my beta!

dan wakes up with a headache that day, and he already knows what brought it on. the first thing he does is wander into the bathroom and take as much ibuprofen as is physically possible. he takes more of his prescription medicine than he should, too, for good measure. he promised phil yesterday he’d go to the store today. but that was before dan’s brain decided to stop serotonin production and leave him feeling empty and cold. 

the second thing he does is walk back out into the hallway and listen. he can’t hear exactly where phil is, which is a problem, because dan wants to avoid conflict with him. he knows phil will pester him about the smallest thing and all the emptiness he carries will become a ball of fire and he’ll snap. cautiously, he walks into the kitchen and pours a bowl of cereal as quietly as he can. he uses the last of the milk and has to walk into the laundry room to throw the carton in the recycling bin,  _ which is where he finds phil.  _

“morning,” phil says, setting the shirt he’s folding in the basket and kissing dan’s forehead. “sleep well?” dan just nods as he throws the carton away. he’s afraid to even open his mouth. “well, that’s good. i was thinking that since you’re going to be out today anyways, you could stop by louise’s and bring her that shirt she left the last time she was here.”

_ how dare you put more on my plate today. you, who knows i can’t do anything when i’m down like this, who knows it hurts to force myself to talk to other people when i can’t find the words to say. you’re so incredibly lazy, making me do all the work you know you don’t want to do. i just want to scream at you. i want to scream at you until your head hurts as much as mine does and you’ll cry as much as i do. and then i’ll laugh and slam the door in your face and leave you as broken as i am- _

“okay,” dan says, barely finding the voice to say it. “i can do that.”

“great,” phil smiles. “it’s sitting by the door when you’re ready to go.”

dan walks back into the kitchen, the bowl of cereal looking a lot less appealing than it did earlier. nevertheless, he convinces himself to eat it. once he’s done, he sets the bowl in the sink and barely has time to react when phil throws a clean shirt at him. “bowls go in the dishwasher, heathen.” 

he knows phil is messing around with him, but it just feels like he’s kicking dan down whenever he has the chance to. when phil leaves the room, dan plasters a frown on his face and places the bowl in the dishwasher. dan drags himself into his bedroom again and changes his shirt. the shorts he slept in are probably okay to wear out in public. then again, it’s not like he’s aiming for a flawless appearance today. 

the grocery list is pinned to the fridge with a magnet. dan pulls it off on his way out, shoving it into his back pocket with one hand and grabbing louise’s shirt with the other. phil shouts a  _ have fun _ from the other side of the flat. dan slams the door shut. 

thankfully, his uber driver isn’t the talkative type, so dan can sit in silence in the backseat and stare aimlessly out the window. it’s a bright, cloudless day and there are lots of people walking around the city.  _ how can they enjoy themselves when i can’t even feign happiness? _

it takes them a while to reach louise’s house, but dan doesn’t mind the silence. the driver pulls up along the side of the house and dan thanks him, making sure to grab louise’s shirt off the seat next to him. 

louise answers the door with a smile. “hello, dan. phil texted me saying you’d be round with my shirt.” her smile fades as she takes the shirt from dan and tucks it under her arm. “are you doing okay, love?”

“not really,” dan whispers.

“oh, dan,” louise says. “come on inside.” he follows louise inside, sitting next to her on the sofa once she pats the space next to her. her perfume is comforting to him, now that his headache has gone away. “did you forget to take your meds again?”

“no,” dan shakes his head. “it just sucks, you know? i can’t stop myself from falling into that hole again, no matter how much medication i take.” 

louise brushes the hair out of his eyes. “it’s not your fault, you know that, right? you can’t control things like that.”

“i want to try to,” he says, “for phil.”

“holding it all in isn’t helping you, dan. it’s okay to ask for help.”

dan wipes tears from the corners of his eyes and shakes his head. “you don’t understand.”

“that’s true; i’ll never understand how you feel.” louise hands dan a tissue from her pocket, “but i do know that talking to other people helps. you’re talking to me, right?” 

“i guess.”

louise lets him sit in silence for a while, listening to the birds chirping outside the window and the occasional car driving past. dan isn’t a loud crier, something he mastered not too long after he first moved in with phil. and the funny thing is, dan thinks, is that phil has never noticed dan crying in the almost eight years they’ve been living together. sometimes it makes dan wonder if phil really cares about dan, but he can’t judge phil for not reacting to something he doesn’t know about. 

“i don’t want him to treat me differently,” dan says, breaking the long silence. 

“but you deserve to be treated differently, love. if you just told phil, he’d be able to help you so you don’t feel worse.”

“yeah,” dan agrees. “you’re right. but don’t you think he’ll be mad at me for not telling him?”

louise laughs softly, “you know how much phil cares about you. he’ll definitely be mad at you at first. then he’ll be mad at himself, then at the world, and probably at the birds outside for some reason. the longer you wait, though, the harder it’s going to be for both of you to get past this.” 

dan nods, because louise is right. the voice in the back of dan’s head, the nice one, has been telling him the same thing for years. the fact that someone else is now saying the same thing might, just might, make dan realize what he’s been doing to himself and phil. 

“thank you, louise,” he says, giving her a hug before standing up. “that… that really helped.”

“don’t come back here crying about the same thing, dan,” she warns as he sees himself out. 

instead of getting an uber to the store, dan decides to walk the two or so miles himself. as he steps out onto the sidewalk, he doesn’t really know why he decides to do it.  _ this is nice _ , dan realizes.  _ maybe i’ll do more regular exercise. _ it gives him a chance to focus on something other than his head. he counts the cars that drive past, the number of birds he sees in the trees. it stops him from counting other things in life, like how many pills he’s taken that day or how many chores phil has asked him to do. 

he almost walks past the store once he gets back into town. dan pulls the grocery list out of his back pocket and scans over it. it’s not terribly long, and most of the things they need are near the same aisle. he heads for the milk first, then for the other snack foods phil absentmindedly put on the list, even though they both made a promise to eat healthier. dan pays for the food with his debit card, this time calling an uber. home is further away than louise’s house is, and he’s carrying several pounds of groceries.  _ exercise feels good, but not this good _ . 

dan arrives home and struggles to open the front door with his hands full of groceries.  “how’d it go?” phil yells from the kitchen once dan came in the door. “did you get the text i sent?”

dan’s heart sinks. did phil need something else from the store? “i didn’t, i’m sorry.”

“it’s fine,” phil assures him. “i just wanted to let you know i ate the last of your cereal while you were gone, but you seemed to have sensed that and bought some more, anyway.” 

“can we talk?” dan asks, setting the bags of groceries on the counter. 

phil leans against the counter and crosses his arms. “sure.”

“i talked with louise and she thinks i should be more open about the shit going on in my head.”

phil raises an eyebrow. “i thought you didn’t like talking about it?”

“i don’t,” dan admits. “but she’s right. there are times when i should be asking for help and i’m not.”

“what can i do to help you?”

dan chuckles. “don’t send me to do your errands when i can barely function mentally.”

“why didn’t you say anything this morning?” phil asks. “you know i would have just gone out myself.”

“i’ve been trying to hold it all in. unsuccessfully, apparently. i guess i didn’t want you to treat me like i’m sick, even though i am. it’s funny, because i get frustrated when you ask me to do things without considering the fact that i  _ am _ sick. there are so many times when i’ve felt like screaming at you that i swallow everything i want to say and cry in the bathroom. it’s pathetic, right?”

phil says nothing. 

“but if i tell you when i don’t feel good inside, maybe that will stop it all. it’s my fault that i’m making myself worse.”

“no,” phil shakes his head. “you’ve never been able to tell me when you feel awful because i’ve never asked. i could have been helping you for years but i’ve always been too ignorant.” 

“that’s not true-“ dan interrupts. 

“i’m so sorry, dan,” phil says as he steps forward and wraps his arms around dan. “things are bad inside your head and i’m not making things any better outside it.” dan doesn’t struggle under phil’s tight embrace, and he melts into phil’s chest. “i promise to support you in every way i can.”

dan chokes back a tear, “thank you. just, i-’’

“i know,” phil whispers back. 


End file.
